Holding On To Letting Go
by moments-of-weakness
Summary: Lucas hates Peyton...or so he said. She's heading back to LA, willing to accept it's over for good but not everyone wants her to go. Can anyone convince her to stay?


**Title: **_**Holding On To Letting Go**_

**Disclaimer: **_**I own no part of One Tree Hill or its characters...I simply love the show and must write when these things pop into my head. **_

**Summary: **_**Lucas hates Peyton...or so he said. She's heading back to LA, willing to accept its over for good but not everyone wants her to go. Can anyone convince her to stay?**_

**Notes: **_**This is a one shot that takes place after the last two episodes of season 5. I finally posted it in my writing LJ and decided to take a chance and post it here...the day the new season begins! I actually wrote this just after the last two episodes so if there is anything in here that may end up spoilerish it was completely unintended...this is just what I would love to see happen.  
**_

_**Thanks for reading and I hope yall enjoy!**_

**_xxxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxxx_**

"He _hates _me. HATES me. There is no way to spin those words where it's going to come out any kind of good for me so stop trying. And how pathetic am I that I have no one else to talk to except you? You of all people." Peyton needed something to throw...something she hadn't already thrown from one side of the room to the other to watch it smash against the wall. It was always a bonus whenever it was something that could shatter into a million pieces the exact way her heart shattered because of Lucas Scott.

"Peyton, you said so yourself, he just found out she's seeing someone else..."

"No. That's not it. He hates me, I'm an idiot and I cannot do this to myself, to him, to anyone anymore. I completely ruined his life." She went back to packing albums in boxes while he sat on the corner of the desktop watching her. "He's right you know."

"Right about what?"

"Lucas is right about the fact I never should have come back. I shouldn't be here."

"Yes you should. You've got this place. And what about Mia? What about Haley? Peyton, what about Brooke? She needed you, you needed each other."

"Why are you even up here? Why do you even care if I leave or not? You certainly made it clear you didn't care about Brooke at all."

"I care about Brooke, I really do. She...she wants a kid and I don't. Not right now anyway and I'm not convinced she is ready for a child either. It's better in the long run if we end it before anything really begins."

"Before anything begins? Please. And excuse me? She was great with Angie."

"Yeah, I know. I heard all about it but Angie isn't here for the long run is she? A temporary trial period. Isn't that what the lady said?"

"You really are an ass."

"Thank you." He stood. "Now, I actually came up here to tell you there was a phone call at the bar for you because you're not answering your phone up here or your cell. Lucas is on his way over here to thank you for getting him home after he passed out at the bar. Apparently he doesn't remember anything." Owen grinned and checked his watch. "Yeah, he should be here any minute and you might know that if you hadn't started ranting the instant I got up here simply because I'm a 'damn man'. Isn't that how you put it?"

She was stunned. Peyton had been avoiding calls all morning knowing she'd have to face everyone eventually, simply not able to right this moment, and now she finds out he's on his way and would be here any minute. The absolute last person she wanted to see right now. Peyton panicked when she heard footsteps what seemed a second later, wondering how they could possibly sound so loud when she knew she couldn't actually hear him.

"Hey Lucas."

"Owen."

Owen glanced back once more inside the office at Peyton, who had since turned around no doubt trying to prepare herself for whatever was to come. He nodded to Lucas and walked back downstairs with a plan to call Brooke if it came to the point where Peyton would need her.

"Peyton?"

"Yeah Luke?" She stood motionless, staring out the window, unable to look at him.

He walked to the chair unable to decide if he should sit or stand, so he chose to lean on the chair. He looked around at the boxes and noticed things were missing from the walls. "You're not answering your phones. Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Fine." She knew he could read every emotion in her voice so she tried her best to keep it short. "Just packing up. Back to LA."

"What?" He must have heard her wrong.

"Yeah. I'm going back. There's a place for me now out there and there's more money, bigger acts, more advancement. It's what I've always wanted. You know that better than anyone." She folds her arms, one part of her wishing he would leave, the other part begging him to stay.

"I didn't think you wanted that any more Peyton."

"How would you know what I want or don't want Lucas?"

Her words stung and he realized he probably deserved them. He simply hasn't been around for her but she should understand he's had so much going on he hasn't been around much to really listen. He also realized he hadn't made the time because he knew in his heart he couldn't be in the same room, much less opening up to her or hearing about her dreams anymore. "I guess I don't. Please, talk to me Peyton."

"No." She wished again there was something close by that she could throw without regretting it later. Again, nothing. "Look, I have to go. I have a lot to finish up here and I still have to pack my stuff at Brooke's." She still wasn't looking at him but she felt as though his eyes were burning a hole through her directly to her heart, breaking it into a million even smaller pieces.

"Has it gotten so bad with us that you can't even look at me? I came here to apologize for being so drunk last night and needing a ride home. Thank you for helping me last night Peyton." Letting go of the chair, he stood straight, shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans, turned toward the door and started to leave. He stopped a moment, contemplating his next move.

She thought he was already out the door when she turned around. Instead of seeing his back leaving her again, she was forced to look him in the face as he turned around. "I thought...I thought you were gone." Tears were streaming down her cheeks. She swiped at them attempting to hide the fact she was once again crying over Lucas Scott.

"Peyton." He started walking toward her and stopped when she put her hand up.

"No Luke. Just go. I have a lot to do and I don't want to miss my flight." She turned back toward the window and prayed he would leave. Instead she felt his hand on her shoulder. She felt the heat from his touch and didn't dare move for fear she'd fall helplessly into his arms which was the last thing she wanted to happen.

"Peyton, what happened? Why do you have to go back to LA and why are you leaving tonight?" He was trying his best to understand and she wasn't making it easy on him. Lucas was wishing he hadn't had so much to drink and had at least a dim memory of what might have happened when she took him home.

"Leave it alone Lucas. It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does. You _are_ happy here and I don't understand why you're walking away."

"It's you, okay? Once again I'm living my life according to whatever it is the great Lucas Scott wants. Dammit Luke, do you remember anything at all about last night?" She turned to face him, needing to see his expression.

"No. Well, I remember you taking me home somehow but that's about it."

"Well I remember Luke. I remember you waking up and saying my name right after I wished you weren't in the pain you were in. You lifted your head and you looked at me, as drunk as you were, and you said it as clearly as you've ever said anything. You said you hate me and you wish I'd never come back to Tree Hill. You hate me and I'm done trying to make you love me again."

"What?" Never in a million years had he thought he would ever say he hated Peyton Sawyer.

"Oh god Lucas. You said it. You said you hate me and you wished I'd never come back home. Well here ya go, I'm leaving. I'm running away and maybe you can get your life back. People say what they really feel when they're drunk and now I know exactly how you feel. You said yes to Lindsey and I should have heard it loud and clear no matter what I read in that damn new book of yours." Defeated, she walked around him and started to pack once again.

"My book? How did you read my book?"

"Lindsey."

"What?"

She sighed and faced him. "Lindsey. Yes Lucas, I went to see her and she said I had to read the book. That _I_ had to make a decision. It wasn't her decision to make and I would see that once I read your story. Which didn't make sense to me when she gave it to me but I did read it...twice. And now my decision is that it is well past time to let go of you Luke. I held on too long and now...now it's time for me to leave."

"Because people always leave right Peyton?"

"Yes, people always leave and I can't hang on anymore to something that just isn't real."

"You are unbelievable."

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah Peyton. I was drunk which should be the first clue I had no idea what the hell I was saying. How can you hold that against me? You have to know I don't hate you...that I could never hate you."

"Get out."

"What?"  
"You heard me Luke. Get out. I can't talk to you right now, I can't look at you and I cannot be in the same room with you. Just go."

"Fine."

Lucas turned and walked through the doorway, not knowing if he would ever see Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer again.

**_xxxxx xxxxx xxxxxx xxxxxx _ **

"Lucas you said it and now she's leaving. Peyton called me, said she just can't help me with my album right now and she hopes there's a way I can finish on my own." Haley looked at her best friend and brother-in-law and had no idea whether to slap him or throw him out the door...realizing both might be the right choice.

"She can't do that to you Haley."

"Well, apparently she's got it in her head that you hate her and the two of you can't be in the same town. Tree Hill must not be big enough for the both of you and I'm the one left to suffer for your idiocy. Thanks Luke." Her words flew out at him like daggers.

He closed his eyes when he realized he was possibly hurting his best friend worst of all. "I swear I don't remember saying I hate her and I don't know why I would say it in the first place. I _don't _hate her. I don't hate Peyton at all. I'm always going to love her."

"Then tell her dammit. Tell her you were an idiot and that you didn't mean it. Tell her she's making a huge mistake by leaving. Tell her you're still in love with her." She paused. "No wait, you can't possibly do that because you're too much of an idiot to actually admit it to yourself even though you _wrote it in the book_."

He sighed. Lucas knew she was right but he didn't think anything he could possibly say would make Peyton Sawyer remain in Tree Hill. "You talk to her. You can convince her to stay. Come on Haley, she's screwing you out of your album so tell her about it. Tell her you're pissed and you need her to stay."

Haley placed her hands on her hips and tilted her head. "You really have been an ass Lucas. Where do you get the nerve to tell me what to do about my album and my friend? You're right, I do need to talk to Peyton before she leaves but I am NOT doing any of this because you told me to. If you want her to stay for your reasons then you need to tell her exactly that instead of trying to use me to convince her to stay. I will ask her politely to stay until we finish my album and if she still wants to leave because you're still being an ass...or idiot, whichever it is at that moment, I will buy her the plane ticket." She grabbed her purse. "Now I have to go and convince my friend you'll leave her alone so she can stay and help me with my music."

Haley left a stunned speechless Lucas Scott standing in her classroom and headed for Peyton's office hoping she'd be there. When she pulled into the lot she saw the Comet and sighed. "Here goes nothing."

She walked up the stairs and on her way up tried to find the words to convince Peyton staying would be the best thing. Haley hadn't been able to come up with anything plausible so she decided she would start out with small talk and see where it went.

"What are you doing here Haley?"

"Hello to you too Peyton."

"Sorry." Peyton sighed and looked at her friend. "How are you? What brings you here today Haley?"

"This might be worse than I thought."

"What might be worse?"

"You. Lucas. The two of you. This..." she said as she gestured around the room at the boxes. "I tell you one thing, each of you might just be about as stubborn as the other."

"Haley, I've already apologized best I can and I don't know what else to say. I just can't be here...with him. He said he hates me, he said yes to her, and there's simply nothing left for me here. I have to leave or lose whats left of my sanity." Peyton sat in a chair and motioned for Haley to do the same.

She sat down in the chair and tried choosing her words as carefully as she could without Peyton running faster. "He loves you. Lucas is just too stubborn or stupid to admit it. He's scared after what happened all those years ago. He's scared after what just happened with Lindsey. I guess now is his turn to be scared and unsure. Usually he falls too hard too fast and ends up with a broken heart but now, this time, this one I can't figure out. He wrote the book about you. You know that right? Have you seen any of it?"

"Yeah, she gave me a copy and told me to read it."

"She?"

"Lindsey."

"And?"

"And what?"

Haley shook her head. "You know and what so don't even ask. What did you think? Better yet, what did you feel when you read it?"

She sighed and had no idea how to answer the question. She wanted to simply answer 'loved' but knew it would get back to Lucas and Peyton Sawyer was in no way convinced that would be a good thing at all. She sighed when she realize she really had nothing left to lose. "Loved."

"Loved?"  
"Yeah, right up until the memory comes back to my mind where he says he hates me. Then, not so much."

"He loves you. We love you and Peyton you can't leave. Not now. Give me my album and then after we've finished it, if you're still hurting and feel you can't be in the same town with him, then you can leave. Run to LA and I won't try to stop you." Haley wasn't sure Peyton would listen and had an urge to cross her fingers.

"I really do need to stick to my commitment don't I?"

"Yes. I need to finish my album and I can't finish it without you Peyton. Please? Leave the instant I finish and never turn back if it is truly what you want." Haley could see her giving in and grinned.

"Fine. I'll stay. We'll finish your album and then I'll see where I am, where I need to be, and if I'm not happy I'm leaving whether you've got another album in you after that or not." Peyton stood, walked over to her friend and gave her a hug. "Thank you Haley."

"Not sure why you're thanking me but you're welcome."

She let go and walked over to one of the boxes full of papers. "I suppose I should unpack the important things anyway." She turned toward Haley and asked "Wanna help?"

"Sure." she answered and the two unpacked while discussing Haley's album before heading to Tric for a drink.

**_xxxxxx xxxxxxx xxxxxxx_**

"Hey, it's me. Look, I'm at the airport and I've got two tickets to Las Vegas. Do you wanna get married tonight?"

Silence.

"Hello?"

"What?" She was stunned. It was almost her dream come true and yet she was speechless.

He sighed. "Are you going to say no again? It's our do-over Peyton. Maybe our now or never. I still love you." He watched the people moving all around him in the airport and sighed. He knew he wanted someone with him and until he pushed the send button after automatically dialing her number, he hadn't realized it was still Peyton Sawyer he wanted next to him when everything would come true. After everything they'd been through...after almost marrying Lindsey...it was still Peyton he thought of first in the big moments of his life.

"Our do-over? This is how you propose now? We fought. You said you hated me. I change my plans to stick around and finish Haley's album and now you're calling me on the phone to ask me to go to Vegas with you? To marry you because you've got two tickets?"

"I did it the right way the first time Peyton. Or I tried to do it the right way and you wouldn't let me. You never gave me the chance to have my long romantic speech to convince you marrying me would be the best we could ever be because we suck when we're apart Peyton. Marry me. Come to Vegas with me, I'll propose again and we'll spend the rest of our lives waking up in each other's arms. I miss you. I miss us. I need us." He closed his eyes and knew it was a losing battle. After what he'd said to her, whether he remembered it or not, he couldn't imagine Peyton Sawyer forgetting those words let alone forgive him and run off to get married by some Elvis impersonator.

She was rambling and he tried to focus on her words. They were running together and not making any sense until he heard one simple word. "yes..."

His heart dropped. He thought for sure she'd said no and then he held his breath, hoping she'd repeat her answer.

"Luke?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you hear me?"

"Uh, I don't think so."

Laughter filled the air and he couldn't stop the smile that now appeared so naturally. He'd missed her laugh more than he ever imagined.

"Yes?"

"Yes."

"Yes?" He paused a moment to try and take it all in. "You're coming to the airport and we're going to Vegas right?"

"Oh god Luke. Yes, I'll be there. How long do I have to pack?"

"All the time you need. I can change the flight if you need me to. I can come pick you up if you need me to. Hell, I'll walk there and back as long as you're on the plane with me." He felt the laughter filling his soul and he knew he was finally where he wanted to be...that he was finally seeing his future and it was the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen.

"I'll be there soon."

"Good."

Peyton was smiling and could feel her heart filling up with love she no longer had the need to hide. "I'll be seeing you Luke."

He smiled, took a deep breath and sighed. "I'll be seeing you Peyton." He heard the click on the other end knowing she'd hung up her phone and would be rushing around trying to figure out what she would take with her tonight. He looked at his phone, hit send once, stared at her number and hit send once more.

"Yeah? I'm in a bit of a hurry so this better be good."

"I love you and it doesn't matter what you wear. You'll look beautiful no matter what." He waited for a response.

"Lucas Eugene Scott, will you just let me pack so I can get there. And thank you. I love you too Luke. And yes it does matter because I have to find a dress."

"We'll get one there."

"No, we can't just rely on the fact we'll just get one there. Dammit, Luke. If we're getting married I have to have a dress and I'm not wearing some nasty looking 80's reject thrift store dress because no other store is open by the time we get there." She was completely frustrated by now and Lucas could hear it in her voice.

"Okay, I'm hanging up now. I love you Peyton Sawyer and I'll see you soon." He smiled, heard the click of her phone once again and as he closed his own phone he thought about their life together and how things just might turn out okay after all.

_**xxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxxx**_


End file.
